I have always said that it is a stupid person who can not learn from past mistakes. And I still believe this. So why, after standing in the bathroom this morning, staring at the scales and telling myself that I shouldn’t get on them – I got on them?
Obviously there is something hugely wrong with them because after they had settled and I had peered, squint-eyed at the bloody things, they still showed that I had put on half a pound. How the hell did that happen? I’ve been trotting here and there, not eating chocolate, biscuits, sucky sweets or family size packets of crisps I’ve been watching the soaps in the evening feasting on oranges. I don’t get it and frankly I’m annoyed. What’s the point in not eating rubbish if you are still going to put on weight eating the good stuff? As I stared at the mirror, Golum, from Lord Of The Rings stared back at me and I heard the words, ‘You stupid fat hobbit. Now you’ve gone and ruined it!
I am a firm believer that in every negative there is a positive and the positive to escape from this negative is this – I have to go to my Chiro guy after lunch, the one who works on my soft tissue. Yes you guessed it – at least there will be plenty for him to work on and my money will not be spent in vain.
Putting all that aside – quite difficult because I still think those stupid scales were wrong and that actually Richard has been bouncing on them, attempting to make them read less. I’ve told him time and time again NOT to use the scales as they only weigh up to twenty-two stone. OK so he isn’t quite that big but I’m not in a very charitable mood this morning. And I’ve just injured myself trying to get Chea’s favourite tiny felt bird from under the fridge with a carving knife. Attempting to avoid chopping off her right paw I stabbed my thumb and made it bleed.
So, as I said, putting all that aside perhaps one of you lovely people could help me with this. Yesterday my little package of 10 Mulligan books arrived through the post, at least I’m assuming that’s what the package is, I haven’t opened it yet. I have people who want a signed copy. And NO I haven’t twisted their arms or threatened to curse them with the help of my tarot cards. They are not wishing to buy a copy just to shut me up and get me off their backs. Mind, thinking about it, there could be some truth in it?
What I would like to know is this – how do you sign a book?
I mean, do I need a fancy fountain pen? Should the ink be black or blue? Which page do I write on? Do I make it personal and write the purchasers name? And what do I do with all the copies that I bugger up? I can’t even write a freezer or a wine bottle label without going wrong sometimes.
Am I going to have to rip out the botched-up page and then sell my beloved Mulligan for 10p at a car boot? Oh Lord, what if I start seeing them at car boots? There are millions of books at car boots. I saw poor old Terry Wogan on sale last year for 5p. And if that’s all they are asking for dear Terry I stand no chance, do I? But maybe it won’t come to that if I’m careful and concentrate. Huh! Who am I kidding? I’m going to screw up, aren’t I? No! I refuse to let that thought remain in my head. I am going to be fine – as long as someone can answer all of the above questions.
I’m off to open the box and then to throw another log on the fire. I am feeling very cold. I think it is a symptom of fear? Of the unknown? Of not knowing how many copies I am going to destroy.
But again, a positive can come from a negative. Did you see The Day After Tomorrow? The whole world was freezing over and a splinter group, led by Jake Gyllenhaal, shacked up in a library. They survived by burning books. So, dudes, if the worst comes to the worst, I can always chuck them on the wood burner. Simples!
PS A big welcome to new followers! xxx