Naughty Lemons And Stupid Bleach …

Good Morning All

I thought I’d better get this blog sorted and posted ASAP because I’m off to my chiro lady, Archna, shortly and after she has cast her beady eye on me I may not be coming back in one piece.  I actually highly respect the woman. She is honest and up-front. She leaves me under no illusion that the best she can offer is to hold back time and further degeneration of the old neck discs. But you know what? That’ll do.

After that, a quick trot to the pet shop to get the chucks some corn and the fish some pellets and a dash to Morrison’s to get Chea some more food. She is still on Sheba – but not the pate’ variety and preferably not the jelly now. We have now moved on to chunky, meaty bits in gravy. At least that is today’s preference. She appears non the worse for her conifer antics and my wounds are healing well. My son is here just now replacing ten fence panels and the conifer in question is now behind a six-foot panel and out of reach – I think? She is not impressed at not being allowed out just now and spent all day yesterday wall-of-deathing around the house, sitting in the bedroom window scowling and leaving footprints in the toilet bowl. Mid-day I caught a particularly vicious glare which said, ‘Take me back to the RSPCA.’

Talking of supermarkets – which subliminally I was – don’t you find them a source of amusement and also irritation? I was going to say something there about large people, leaning on shopping trolleys,  blocking the isles but I’ve thought better of it.

No, what I mean is – I find this kind of thing irritating – ‘Extra Tasty Chicken just £1 extra!’ Are they saying that the chicken at normal price is tasteless? Why would you buy tasteless chicken? How much does it cost to paint-on a bit of tasty additive. Why aren’t they all tasty?

And then there’s, ‘New! Improved!’ How can it be improved if it’s new? If it’s new there hasn’t been a previous version. And the ‘Buy One Get One Frees’ are bloody insulting to the average brain cell. ‘Buy a tube of Pringles for £2 50 and get one free.’ Bugger off! Not so long ago Pringles were £1 a tube.

Then there’s the funny side – at least Richard and I find it amusing – but then we don’t get out much. I’ll say, ‘Pass the stupid bleach,’ and Richard passes the Thick Bleach. I’ll say, ‘Pass the prostitutes,’ and Richard bungs in the Loose Lemons. Then we have the erection – Self Raising Flour. The muscles – Strong Onions. The jolly list is endless. I won’t divulge what we call the ‘Boned Out Meat!’

As I say, we really should get out more but probably not to supermarkets.

Talking of Richard, which, again, subliminally I was, he struggled home from work yesterday on the verge of collapse. His shoulder was giving him hell, the painkillers had made him feel sick and his tooth (the one that needs £1,000 spending on it, remember?) had abscessed. Obviously I dashed around attempting to offer advice and help (?) but he was too poorly to even speak to me. He managed to suck half a cheese sandwich, sufficient to take further painkillers and drink a glass of milk and then he sat in front of the fire until I departed for bed at 10.30. Before I limped up to bed – my back is buggered as well remember, he said, ‘I’ve just tried to pop this abscess and can’t and now it is killing me.’

I doubted that. The killing him bit I mean. That pleasure, surely, one day must be all mine? So, I equipped him with some strong, warm, salt water and cotton-wool and told him to bathe the gum for twenty minutes at a time, several times throughout the night.  It might work. It works on cats! And it definitely works on horses!

I left him looking like that bloke in the Godfather. The one who speaks like he has a mouth-full of cotton-wool.MB900389944

Must go. My chiro lady, the pet shop and Morrison’s call. I might need to pick up a bag of erection.

Take care my lovelies x


15 thoughts on “Naughty Lemons And Stupid Bleach …

  1. Hello Gail, strangely enough my cats, Alice and Sam have been slumming it on boiled chicken and fish, and the James Wellbeloved nuts recntly told me that their fave food was Morrison brand cat food, and to stuff the chicken for a while. Talking of supermarkets, I love Morrisons (the green colours and lighitng), but dislike Sainsbury. Asda’s a bit like a prison, but cheap. Morrison’s the best. HOpe your back and Richard;s shoulder improve (and his tooth).


      • Mine never reads labels. Although have to give him kudos for finding far free fromage frais in Asda. Why do they always hide the healthy stuff in supermarkets


      • Exactly. And you can’t walk 2 feet without something unhealthy ready to clog up your arteries jumping out at you and the government wonders why there’s an obesity epidemic. Seriously, MPs need to step into the odd Morrisons to see why the NHS is a bottomless pit.


      • The likes of Morrison’s thrive because they are cheap. Cheap for stodge! Everything on offer is full of fill-you-up-stodge. I saw the other day that they have started doing what Asda are doing and selling whole trays of doughnuts. I think there were 12 in a tray. But try to buy something like salmon or veg or even LETTUCE and it costs the earth. Actually I’m a great believer in seasonal food. x


      • Since January we’ve been eating a steady diet of vegetables. I cooked butternut squash the other day for the first time and we’ve given up bread so will be dipping asparagus tips on our eggs.


      • You should try butternut squash and chilli soup. I make a lot of home-made soup – I always know what’s in them!! Asparagus tips in egg yolk sounds delicious actually. x


      • Sounds absolutely wonderful! We found making our own soups at home from scratch was far better than eating sugar laden ones from the supermarket and bread is just evil for calories, although wholemeal does fare better.


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