I think I must be missing something when it comes to computers…or in my case laptops. I have this sneaky feeling that my laptop holds out on me. Only provides me with the barest and briefest of information. I ask, ‘Benedict Cumberbatch’s home address?’ and it puts up, ‘Benedict Cumberbatch nuzzling some girl.’
Yes, shut up, I’m joking. Crikey, do you think I’m a stalker or something? What I mean is, you see these people on the TV tapping away on their keypads faster than mating rabbits and they never get a typo and they always get enough information to go and split the atom. How do they do that? Is there an app somewhere? Do you have to download something? And then you merely tap in, ‘How to break into Lloyd’s Bank,’ and it flashes up twelve suggestions on the screen. Be hilarious if some computer somewhere picks up on that, ‘How to break into Lloyd’s Bank,’ wouldn’t it? A flashing light has just gone past the house but I think it was a fire engine! Probably racing off to pump-out water from some poor sod’s house. The weather here is atrocious just now, rain, rain and more rain. My lawn looks like a paddy field and it wouldn’t surprise me one little bit if we get a crop of rice springing up shortly. The chucks have just about got used to having to splash through water each day to reach the garden – which, by the way, is nothing much more than a mud bath for them. Little has changed from a white Light Sussex to a brown Light Sussex and looks unloved and uncared for. I digress. Back to computers…
I change my laptop very frequently. I always choose one with massive storage and one that is really fast. I probably have 140 songs stored and a few stories and such like, and I still think and type slowly, so the aforementioned attributes are completely unnecessary. But I still like walking down the line of laptops and comparing specs. Specs! See, I know the lingo. No idea what most of them mean, mind. I hide that little fact so well don’t I?
Regardless of the ‘specs’ and the cost, every laptop goes through the same abuse. It still gets bawled at. It seems to rebound obscenities like The Starship Enterprise’s shields – or whatever they are called, and they have no effect whatsoever.
Sometimes, as an act of love and devotion to it, I Mr Sheen it, making it all new and shiny. This, naturally makes it very slippy and difficult to transport from room to room and I have now realised that I must transport said laptop into the lounge first and then go back for my mug of tea and sticky bun. Failure to comply leaves a soggy fireside rug and a sticky bun that has rolled under the sofa and adhered every cat hair to its form. These are the things that we all learn in time – the hard way!
At least I have found the right holes to plug-in accessories. There’s a little designated orifice for my memory stick, headphones, power cable, external speaker, camera adapter, a big saucer thingy for my CD/DVD, etc. etc. etc, and most times I get everything in the right place. I did get the headphones stuck once because I’d forced them into the wrong hole.
Anyway, enough. I have learnt the following five points about my laptop (computer – not the flesh one) and they might help you to avoid trouble.
1. The cable to the laptop has to actually be turned on at the plug or the laptop won’t charge.
2. The laptop fingerprint access won’t let you in if your designated fingertip is smeared with cholesterol-reducing butter after attempting to eat a crumpet and blog at the same time.
3. If you use the laptop as a form of heat to your knees, in a freezing cold house, the laptop will overheat and cut out.
4. The laptop should not be used for internet banking when the cat is around. Little paws walk across the top numeral keys and you will be transferring £5,000 into the ether, instead of £50 to your ISA.
5. The laptop NEVER replies no matter how much you scream at it and demand, “What?!!!”
Off to enter the Cumberbatch question into the search box again!