Having made the decision, two weeks ago, to have a break from writing and not to start anything new, the idea hit me this morning to go back on that decision and write a Mills and Boon! Something quick, 45k words, girl meets boy, girl hates boy, girl changes her mind, girl loves boy. I can do that. Bloody hell, it’s easier than falling off a log…not that I’ve ever fallen off a log, but knowing my luck there’s still time and opportunity.
And as I reclined, this morning, on my bed, at 5am, realisation galloped up. These Mills and Boon characters have to be instantly likeable, and bake cakes for elderly ladies and wipe the noses of snotty-nosed kiddies. I have a definite problem with instantly likeable characters, especially leading ladies and my male characters all tend to have the one raised eyebrow and a permanent expression that says, ‘idiot!’
Then, of course, there are the ‘sexy’ imprints. Yeah, well that’s not going to work, is it? Some people can write that kind of thing…and I’m sure I could too, but I have a massively low boredom threshold and how many times is it thrilling, and earth-shattering, for her to lie on her back and be plundered by a handsome millionaire, who would rather have her (literally) than run the family business.
Placing them in different locations wouldn’t really do it for me, either. A beach location would have me worrying about all that sand getting into the wrong places. I’ve always been a worrier regarding sand. I think it stems from hearing about horses swallowing the gritty stuff, whilst grazing sandy land, and suffering massive colic attacks. Even the old potting shed would be fraught with danger. Imagine all those old, rusty tools losing their grip, victims of the wall-shaking thrusts, and crashing down on the biggest tool in the shed? Nah. I’ve changed my mind. I’m not going to write a Mills and Boon.
I’m going to stick to plan A and concentrate on the garden and doing as little housework as possible. That’s if I haven’t been arrested and put in prison. I guess it all depends on the efficiency of Wickes CCTV camera. And before you start to think that I’ve waltzed off with a pack of 2 by 2 wood, or a roll of roof felt, without paying for it I’ll quickly explain.
In the first week of January Richard ordered an end piece of work surface. Apparently it would take up to 4 weeks and they would ring when it had arrived. 6 weeks later, and endless comments to Richard to go and chase-up the bloody thing, I eventually gave up. Much the same as the Land Rover situation and decided to sort it out myself. In fairness, I guess I do have the time, especially now that I’m not writing a Mills and Boon sex novel.
The guy that Richard had dealt with was not in until the following day, so I explained the situation to a new guy. Long story short…the thing hadn’t been ordered.
‘Is it a freebie?’ the new kitchen sales person said.
‘NO! It isn’t a freebie,’ I said. ‘Why would it be a freebie?’
‘Ah! If it wasn’t a freebie, it wouldn’t have been ordered until you’d paid for it.’
He delivered that little gem with as much delight as if he’d suddenly found Shangri La or the meaning of life.
One look at my face and he added, ‘BUT I will check it with Dickhead (named changed) when he comes in tomorrow.’
I think I’d narrowed my eyes by this time, and my aura had turned a very nasty shade of black.
‘Well,’ I said, ‘let’s just put it this way, shall we? If he hasn’t ordered it and I’ve waited 6 weeks for nothing, I will be back in here in the morning and I will stab him!’
The guy laughed, briefly.
Who are these people? It’s fine when you are spending £13,000 on one of their bloody kitchens but try to buy a strip of work surface and a tube a glue and you are well and truly buggered.
The conclusion is, the new guy rang me yesterday morning, as promised, and explained that Dickhead had tried, 6 weeks ago, to ring a number (Richard’s) for the payment details and they’d never been an answer. This is Richard’s fault again, because if he doesn’t recognise the number he won’t answer his phone.
This time it was paid for and ordered – luckily I managed to find Richard’s card! New guy said he’ll fast-track it and I won’t have to wait another 6 weeks. Obviously Dickhead didn’t get back to me. Threatening to stab him was a bit over the top, but at the time I was so angry. It would only have been in a toe or something small and insignificant. So, now I’m hoping that their CCTV camera doesn’t have a terribly effective zoom and that the person/persons scanning it doesn’t have a degree in lip-reading. Richard chastised me (no, he did. Very bravely, I thought) and said that I should be more careful what I say. I told him that if he’d done the job right in the first place I wouldn’t have to watch what I was saying and that he could **** off!
Monday wasn’t a good day. I went on to have two more very ‘truthful’ conversations with two more people. But I’m fine now, honestly. Purring sweetly.
Take care my lovelies x