Trust Me…It’ll Wreck Your Back…

Hi All

Those of you who have been ‘with me,’ on this blog for some time now, know that I am a great planner and organiser of people, chores and myself?  Some might call it ‘control freak syndrome,’ But we won’t worry about the opinions of people like that.

So…I had plans. Things that I wanted to do. Like…start a fourth book. Which, in all honesty, I did, but exactly that…start a fourth book. 4,500 words. Bear in mind that running side-by-side with this is the garden to attend to and all the other irritating bits of life, like shopping, cleaning and breathing etc. When I get into writing the later tend to get shelved, except for breathing of course, even I have to do that, though some may question why.

This is all leading to the announcement from Richard that he’d decided to take a fortnight’s holiday. This met with as much enthusiasm on my part as a dose of the trots. I know, harsh, but honestly, Richard being stuck under my feet for fourteen days wasn’t conducive to my great plans. I have long learnt that he has to be out of the house, or asleep, in order for me to be left to my own devices, so the fourth book has been shelved.

Obviously I had to turn my planning skills to something else.

It didn’t take long to come up with a plan…we would lay a new bathroom floor. As plans go it wasn’t mind-blowing but it would sure please me not to have walk on black tiles each time I used the loo. The bathroom was totally ‘done’ some years ago, when black was the new black, and very ‘in.’ Now it just looked out! So, after some discussion that somehow managed to conclude without blood flowing, we decided to lay a new ‘bathroom proof’ clicky laminate floor in off-white. The flooring was purchased, at what turned out to be great expense, and, after having a massive argument in B&Q, regarding how much we needed. Obviously, I was right because as already mentioned I am the planner, the whiz with a calculator and brilliant with a tape measure.

Five minutes into the job and we started bickering. Ten minutes into the job and we started yelling and Richard had to slam shut the bathroom window because the neighbour was conveniently sitting in his garden, listening to my every obscenity. Twenty minutes into the job and we were both prostrate on the bathroom floor with laminate stuck behind the radiator. 2 hours later and we’d decided to consider it an exercise in stupidity and to scrap the box that we had opened and to take the three remaining boxes back. Then my ‘won’t be beaten at any cost’ attitude kicked in and I changed our minds. We would continue and we would succeed.

We opened the bathroom window after that because we weren’t really talking to each other.

Slowly we regained our humour and continued, that is until we were inches away from the airing cupboard door and with only a third left to do. Richard said a very naughty word that began with F and slammed the window shut again. I couldn’t see anything wrong, and certainly nothing to warrant the ‘F’ word, that is until Richard pointed to the airing cupboard door and then attempted to open it. To my horror it would only open six inches before banging against the heightened floor. And Richard couldn’t take it off because he couldn’t open it wide enough to access the hinges.

The floor came up.

We continued and an hour later we were back where we had started when I noticed, in the very first row, unclicked boards. Richard said he couldn’t see the problem.

I bellowed, Are you frigging blind?’

He bellowed,’ Yes I am!’

And frankly he isn’t far off. I had to tell him which way the screw heads were facing before he could get the screwdriver lined-up to take off the airing cupboard door!

I said, ‘That’s it! I’m making you an appointment at Specsavers!’

He said, ‘Well you’ll have to lead me there.’

The floor came up.

Eventually, we finished and trotted off to B&Q to get something for skirting etc. Unfortunately, Richard jumped into the car at an awkward angle and did his lower back.

The task of ‘No Nailing’ the skirting to the walls was down to me, with Richard, doubled-up in agony, (or so he pretended) hanging on to the door frame, issuing instructions, that is until I informed him that if he didn’t shut up I’d be ‘No Nailing’ his mouth to his gums.

As a last ‘nice touch’ I hung a lovely little beach hut thingy, which looked stupid because it had been threaded back to front, so I removed the string and rethreaded it. Except, because of my nerve-dead forefinger I couldn’t thread the second side, so Richard attempted to do it. Half-blind and with the string unravelling, he tried to push it through the hole and succeeded in buggering up the end.

I said, ‘You need to lick it! Lick it with your tongue! Put it in your mouth! Make it stick together!’

The sound of falling terracotta came from the neighbour’s garden, and for good measure, after realising how my instructions could be misconstrued, I shouted, ‘That’s it! Push it a bit more. You’ve got it in!’

Well, the bloody neighbour knows more about my life than I do – and I’m the one living it.

Lord knows what we will get up to next week, that’s if I can plan something that doesn’t require Richard’s poor eyesight or weak back. Just one more week and then I can get back to the new novel – probably?

Take care my lovelies x

A pretty little picture - that has nothing at all to do with this post - just to add calm.
A pretty little picture – that has nothing at all to do with this post – just to add calm.

PS I do have to own up to cutting the window blind an inch too short…but I’m sure it had something to do with Richard’s faulty tape measure?





14 thoughts on “Trust Me…It’ll Wreck Your Back…

    • Sorry I’m late in replying, Jen, somehow you ended up in my spam…that’s not the revolting, edible kind, by the way! Thank you for the reblog and your encouraging comments. Much appreciated x


  1. Oh Gail, I did have a laugh! I really do not know how these situations arise with you and your dear Richard. Dragged to Specsavers? The man is a Vet, surely he needs good eyes to sort out t he little pets? And, laying a floor and forgetting the change in height? Well, what can I say, a laugh a minute in your household, it seems ( barring th iscenitie, of course) . Was wondering when a new blog was on the horizon. Do get to the new book soon.


  2. Omg! So funny! Can only imagine what the neighbours thought Richard was being commanded to lick! Very reminiscent of hubby and I trying to work together. I swear words have a different meaning in his head.


  3. I love that click flooring, can look really good when it’s done. Have to admit I am on Richard’s side, how frustrating when the door wouldn’t open. And when you;re squatting, that is the worst thing for a bad back. I do hope it’s better now – he can at least relax in a very hot bath (good for backs) in a lovely new bathroom!


  4. Husband (and carpenter) Bruce and I are doubled over wiping tears from our eyes after me reading this out loud. OMG – you and Richard. Totally hilarious. I literally can’t wait to see what the two of you get up to next.


    • Thank you Francis…I think? All I can say is it’s a shame that hubby of yours is so far away because I could certainly use him…and retire poor Richard from things that he knows nothing about and has no intention of learning! x


  5. Hahaha.. I have just had the kitchen/utility floor taken up and replaced. The word ”had” says it all. I paid people to do it. So that your adventures wouldn’t happen. Because they always do in (Mind, I’m married to Mr No DIY). Fun post!


    • Thanks Carol…and welcome! Richard hates DIY but frankly, we have had jobs done ‘professionally’ in the past and could have done them better ourselves. Mind, we did let someone build the kitchen extension some years ago! I think that would have been ‘a bridge too far.’ x


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